Humour
“I prefer not to speak. If I speak I will be in trouble.”
— Chelsea, asked about the referee after a 1-0 defeat at Aston Villa, 2014
“Look, I'm a coach, I'm not Harry Potter.”
— Real Madrid, warning fans not to expect miracles after his first league match, 2010
“Omelettes, eggs. No eggs, no omelettes. And it depends on the quality of the eggs.”
— Chelsea, on building a squad without new signings, 2007
“If I wanted to have an easy job I would have stayed at Porto – beautiful blue chair, the UEFA Champions League trophy, God, and after God, me.”
— Chelsea, explaining why he left Porto, 2004
“Young players are like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100% sure that the melon is good.”
— On developing young players
“I'm the happy one.”
— On returning to Chelsea, 2013
“At almost 70 years of age has won a Super Cup and another small cup. He is too old to change his mentality.”
— Inter, replying to Juventus coach Claudio Ranieri, 2008
“As for Lo Monaco, I do not know who he is. With the name Monaco, I have heard of Bayern Monaco (Munich) and the Monaco GP, the Tibetan Monaco (Monk) and the Principality of Monaco. I've never heard of any others.”
— Inter, replying to Catania's chief executive Pietro Lo Monaco, 2008
“Our goalkeeper Trubin, who is two metres tall, went into the box and scored a fantastic goal, a historic goal”
— Benfica, after his goalkeeper's late header beat Real Madrid 4-2 in the Champions League, 2026
“Just as an example, Hegel says the truth is in the whole, it's always in the whole that you find the truth.”
— Manchester United, answering criticism at a press conference, 2018
“Don't ask me what mistakes they are but I realise that during my career I have made mistakes. And I'm not going to make the same mistakes. I'm going to make new mistakes.”
— Tottenham, at his first press conference, 2019
“It was an intense, vibrant game with a referee who seemed Spanish. It was yellow, yellow, yellow all the time.”
— Roma, after losing the Europa League final to Sevilla on penalties, 2023
“I am not an idiot.”
— Inter, at his first press conference, in Milanese dialect, 2008
“Two horses and a little horse. A little horse who needs milk and to learn how to jump.”
— Chelsea, after winning at Manchester City, on the title race, 2014
“I was always humble but you didn't understand that.”
— Tottenham, at his first press conference, asked whether he had changed, 2019
“I promised him that [if he scored] I would buy him a pair of shoes that he really likes, that cost €800. … He came over to me and told me not to forget that. Tomorrow morning, I will go and buy them.”
— Roma, after 18-year-old Felix Afena-Gyan scored twice at Genoa, 2021
“I think we still have a chance to win that league because maybe they punish Man City with points and maybe we win that league and they have to pay me the bonus and give me the medal.”
— Fenerbahçe, joking about the 2017-18 Premier League title before facing Manchester United, 2024
“As for the bicycle in Switzerland. It was in a hotel, made up of small houses, which makes them available so guests can ride to the communal areas, and you would have us believe he was competing in the Tour of Switzerland.”
— Real Madrid, defending Kylian Mbappé against criticism, 2026
“I love intelligent ball boys, like I was. I was a brilliant ball boy as a kid. This kid today was brilliant. He reads the game, understands the game and made an important assist.”
— Tottenham, praising the ball boy whose quick throw set up an equaliser against Olympiacos, 2019
“For me, pressure is bird flu; I am feeling a lot of pressure with the swan in Scotland.”
— Chelsea, asked about the pressure of the title race, 2006
“You know, I think boring is 10 years without a title. That's very boring.”
— Chelsea, after a 0-0 draw at Arsenal, answering the home fans' 'boring' chants, 2015
“A team of good boys, a team of nice boys, the only thing they can win at the end of the season is the Fair Play Cup. Something I have never won and have no interest in winning that.”
— Tottenham, asked about a half-time argument between two of his players, 2020
“So the stats, many, many times are like an incredible piece of meat or fish but badly cooked. It doesn't tell me much.”
— Tottenham, answering criticism of his side’s low possession at Liverpool, 2020
“The best thing I have to do is when I leave Fenerbahce, I go to a club that doesn't play in UEFA competition. So, if any club in England from the bottom of the table needs a coach in two years, I'm ready to go.”
— Fenerbahçe, joking after being sent off against Manchester United, 2024
“If the club decides to sack me because of bad results, that's part of the game. If that happens, I'll be a millionaire and I will get another club a couple of months later.”
— Chelsea, asked about his future before a Champions League match against Porto, 2007
“The 'Mourinho effect' is winning trophies. It's September; you can't win trophies in September.”
— Fenerbahçe, asked about the 'Mourinho effect' after a Europa League win, 2024
“I know that Mike Dean has a difficult job. He's on the pitch and it's 200 miles an hour. I wouldn't like to be a referee because it's so difficult. Sometimes I try in training sessions and I realise that it's too difficult.”
— Tottenham, defending the referee after beating Manchester City, 2020
“The day will come when polls, or AI, pick the team. But until then, I think, coaches pick the team and take decisions...”
— Real Madrid, asked whether he would change his midfield after criticism, 2026
“The signal of close your mouth was not for them but for the press. They speak too much and in my opinion they try to do everything to disturb Chelsea. Wait, don't speak too soon.”
— Chelsea, explaining his gesture during the League Cup final win over Liverpool, 2005
“The first half was the coach's fault; the second half was the players' fault.”
— Real Madrid, after coming from 3-1 down to win 4-3 at Roma in the Champions League, 2026
“I trust all the referees... whether it's the league or Champions League, before the game I always have the best feelings about the referees.”
— Real Madrid, at his press conference in Rome before the Champions League match, 2026
“I have 25 coins, I throw the coins in the air. The ones that stay on the table are the players that play, the ones that go on the floor, go on the bench. I do it just like this. During the week I'm having fun, I go to nightclubs every day in Istanbul. It's simple.”
— Fenerbahçe, a sarcastic reply to a question about his squad rotation, 2025
“You may as well put a cow in the middle of the pitch. And then stop the game because there was a cow.”
— Chelsea, after a defeat at Newcastle, on time-wasting, 2014